I often sit back and wonder, "How did I end up here?"
I know life could be extremely worse for me so I don't take it for granted. I pray, I have faith and I believe. I'd like to think I'm super humble. But for the life of me I can't explain why I am where I am in life. Besides the spiritual explanation of "This is God's plan" all I can come up with is, I really fucked up somewhere.
There are times in my life where I just feel like I sometimes give people the power to just shit my day up. And there's other times where I feel like I shitted it up a long time ago. Have you ever just sat back and realize that all the time and effort you put into something or someone is just a damn shame? You can't get time back. At all. You can't get energy or effort back either. So when you get to adding that shit up your super pissed and salty as he'll too.
No matter the relationship or circumstance everyone wants something for something. If you have a passion for something your going to put everything you have into it. At the end of the day you want recognition for it. You want to reap the benefits of it. You want the glory from it. What's the point if you're ignored, go under the radar, no one cares or sees? If the love you give isn't given back your stupid, really.
Our problem is we accept bullshit because we had no direction in the first place. No standards. People can pick up on that early, so they prey on that. Which has us fucked and fucked up. Don't know where we're going because we had no destination. Just silly. And then you end up like me, constantly trying to figure shit out and reevaluate your life and dumb as decisions everyday. It's like a dog chasing it's tail, never ending.
I can't express enough how disappointed I am in the fact that I grew up with no self worth. It truly saddens me. That's not to say that all kids from broken homes grow up like that, but as for me, I did. I realized it very late and it sickens me that no one took the time out of their busy lives to correct that shit. To help guide and mold me, a young impressionable and naive girl looking for love and acceptance damn near anywhere. Smh....
I'll be damned if I let that/this happen to my daughter or nieces. I mean I feel like in life, everyone is entitled to a good fuck over once or twice. That's just proper protocol. But you would think I really had some serious karma coming my way the way my cards have been dealt. I give, in all aspects, to everyone and in return I get nothing. That really, really, really sucks ass.
