Confliction

So to say the least, I am conflicted. At this point in my life there is no difference between me, today at age 28 and me years ago in 7th grade. Me, today at age 28 and my 13 year old sister. Me, today and me 3 months ago. Body image is a constant struggle day to day for most women I'm sure. I struggle with my height, being six feet and having a hard time finding clothing to fit my tall stature. Weight, being 200 pounds (yes I am on the thicker, I love to eat side of the weight chart) and finding clothing that fits. I struggle with finding shoes for my size 12 feet that aren't Crocs or rain boots. To sum it all up, I struggle. But what has me baffled is the battle I find myself in as to what is sexy to ME versus society i.e the media and my peers.
 I'm going to be as honest as possible.In my teen years and early 20's I found myself dressing to get attention. Looking back on those years now, I realize that. Actually, I realized it then too but now I have a deeper understanding of it. I have always had numerous insecurities and in an effort to be "normal" or "popular" I decided that because I couldn't afford alot of the named brand clothing that was on trend, I would wear the simpler items in fashion which happened to be cheap and you've got it, revealing. I tried to mask my out cry for affection and friendship with being "comfortable" showing my body, which in turn got me attention. I craved the attention but it was all lustful, which now I know was negative but I thought I needed it.

Fast forward to today, I still have many insecurities but I know a few things for sure. For one, although sometimes I do feel loneliness, I do not strive for lustful admiration. Even in a relationship, one does want to feel wanted by others from the outside but as I have matured I've been able to decipher lust and love. And the elementary concept of "like" vs "like". You know, I like you as a friend vs I like you enough to sleep with you. With that being said, I don't look for that in my day to day conversations or interactions with people now.

Secondly, I like me. I love me. So I'm not trying to make or convince anyone other than me to give me a try. To see what I have. To buy this cow, so to speak.

Lastly, it could be that I'm a mother now. It could be that I'm a women now. It could be that I know what I have to offer now. It could be all 3 but I know that my worth isn't summed up by what body part I have on display for the night. It took me so many years and tears to figure that out. I only hope I can teach my daughter and any young female willing to listen that what society portrays as acceptable or beautiful is not the definition of beauty or sexy. So many young women I see are just like I was. Striving to out do the next girl when what you don't see is her insecurities and her tears when she's at home behind closed doors. I may sound like a old granny when I say this but sexy is knowing what you won't do. Sexy is having your own mind. Sexy is being funny and knowing the answer to random trivia questions and making a pot roast while doing laundry and helping your 6 year old with homework and watching the Simpsons in between.

Don't get me wrong, I still show some skin every now and then. A little thigh action, back out, cleavage bearing. I'm not dead. I'm not elderly. I like fashion and I wear what I feel best complements my body. But by no means am I brainwashed by what the media is telling our young girls and women is ok to wear or portray. Someone has to tell them that what you think is just innocently putting on shorts that show your but cheeks and a midriff bearing crop top and six inch heels, at any age will get you attention. And with attention comes a level of responsibility you have to be ready for, wether it be from men or women. People are going to stare. People are going to talk. People will like what they see and act upon it. Some like it and some don't. Some can handle it and some won't. Just know the struggle never really goes away, no matter the age.
I'm just here to tell you I've finally realized I don't HAVE to be naked to be liked.  I guess im not conflicted really...To be sexy, I just HAVE to be me.