Upon me stumbling through some of my fav gossip/blog sites I seen that today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. I instantly stopped what I was doing to write this post. (Actually at work smh) but I was compelled to do so due to my personal loss and daily struggle.
Coincidentally, I was attempting to share my current state with my spouse Tuesday night and at one point I just felt like he shut me down. I feel as though he doesn't truly understand my "struggle" for lack of a better suited word.
I don't really share this but I don't really hide it either...one year ago, I lost a child. Hailei-Rayne Jones. I carried her and I loved her. The depth of that love is beyond measure.
I had a medically induced birth ( also known as a medical abortion). At 19 weeks I found out at the anatomy scan that my daughter had was is known as Fetal Hydrops. It is a condition in which the heart has an abnormality and because of that the body retains fluid/water causing irreversible damage ( something like congestive heart failure) which results in a slow death.
My daughter had fluid in her abdomen and head. My amniotic fluid decreased slowly due her body absorbing it. I had never heard of such a rare condition. The seemingly perfect, normal day turned into horror for me. I was speechless. I cried so hard and so long that my body just shivered. How? Why? How can I fix it? How does it get better? Why, why, why? Is this karma? Who did I do wrong? Why God??
I went through 2 long weeks of hopeful moments, research, test after test and then reality just fell on me like a ton of bricks when the doctor finally told me my daughter was going to die. Die. I tried to wear a brave face but I was anything but. I had to be strong for my oldest daughter. I had to go to work and carry on with my day to day life when all I wanted to do was cry. Not eating, no sleeping, no anything.
I had the option of carrying my baby until she passed on her own or having a medically induced labor. I opted for the latter just because I felt that was best or me and her. A part of me feels I was selfish. A part of me feels it would have destroyed me to wake up one day and not feel her move. So I had to muster up the strength to say goodbye on my own terms.
I say all this to say, I've been to this dark, dark place. I empathize sincerely. These words come from the most purest place in my heart. One day of recognition is merely not enough when you constantly relive the pain. But it is appreciated sooooooo much. There's so many precious lives that never make it and so many parents who live with guilt and frustration behind their smiles. Each day progressively gets better. Each day your able to smile a little more and each day brings a little more peace.
Take a moment of observance for these angels.
Xoxo,
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